If you know me personally – or have followed me for very long – you know how much I love to laugh! I love a good time. I truly strive to celebrate life, to joke around, to not sweat the small stuff. I love life…I truly do.

I’ve learned in my 43 years – and especially the past 16.5 years after losing London – that joy and sorrow, happiness & pain, can coexist. It’s a strange reality really, but it’s true.

As I’m sniffing my way through this blog post with puffy eyes and a tear-stained shirt, I thought I would just be really vulnerable for a second.

Grief sucks. There…I said it.

I was having a great day. The sun is shining. I’m editing a gallery of a handsome Senior. It’s Earth Day (Lol), and all is good. But grief had to sweep in, catch me off-guard, shove me off balance and throw me into a whirlwind of sadness and tears.

I don’t share these images for personal attention. I swear, I don’t. But…I have vowed to NEVER let my pain be in vain and to try my best to share my story to help others. I know some of you are hurting. I know you have your own grief, your own hurts and hangups. Whether it’s the loss of a loved one or the loss of a relationship, a job, a dream…whatever it may be. I know you have pain, too, and I just want you to know you are not alone.

I also want to share that grief just doesn’t go away with time. I’m speaking from a child-loss perspective, but it’s so true for grief in general. I know London was “just 2 days old”. I know it may seem that I should be fine almost 17 years later, but I will spend my whole life wondering what it would’ve been like to have her with me through this life. I will spend my whole life wishing I could see her experience all of the milestones that I see other kids her age experiencing.

Yes, she was “only 2 days old”, but that will always be what haunts me. She was only 2 days old. I only had 2 days to be her mom. Yes, I know I had her in my belly for 9 months, and I know I will “always” be her mom, but you know what I mean.

Triggers happen out of the blue. They come out of nowhere and knock me off my feet, even still. I literally went from happily returning a message on Facebook to seeing the first post show up of a beautiful girl who was born the week before London getting her driver’s license.

Is it a big deal? No, not really. Kids getting their license is a normal part of life. BUT…when I look at her and realize what I would be experiencing right now, it just ripped the bandage off of my heart. Triggers can be the simplest things that spark big emotions.

I will wipe my tears. I’ll take some deep breaths, listen to Rick Warren’s Daily Hope and move on with my day – just like I always do. But – even though I hate grief and I wish I didn’t feel this pain – I will let myself grieve those broken dreams for as long as I need to.

If you are grieving broken dreams today – no matter what that may look like – I just want you to know that I understand. I encourage you to let yourself grieve when you need to. Give yourself grace…and keep moving forward. There is purpose for your pain and hope for tomorrow, I promise.

Sending you all so much love & appreciation for allowing me this safe space to share my heart. After all, London is why I am here. There is beauty and there are ashes. I embrace them both, and I challenge you to do the same.